The postpartum depression has kicked in pretty strong.  It always seems to hit me around 2-3 months, and get worse around 4-5 months.  I'm at 2 1/2 months postpartum.  As long as I stay on my medicine, I can manage through the days, but its still rough.  I think the hardest part is knowing that this isn't me, that I don't usually feel sad and lonely and depressed, and wanting so badly to feel happy and normal again, but not being able to have that just yet.  I am grateful that I still see the light at the end of the tunnel.  That helps me know that I'm doing okay, because last time I didn't see anything but dark sadness.

I think the hardest part is that my support system has changed a lot over the past 6 months.  I was happy and felt safe in the support that I had, but that's gone, and I'm having to figure out my new support system.  Right now, I rely a lot on my husband.  He is so wonderful and takes such good care of me.  It helps that he's been through this with me before, and knows the things that are important, and how to help me through this.  Its a lot on his shoulders, and I wish I could carry more of the burdan myself, but I'm grateful for him.  I'm also grateful for the spiritual help I have too.

Anyways, I realized today that in this PPD fog I'm in, I haven't really done any fun photoshoots with SweetPea.  I've been photographing a lot, just candids with my little point-and-shoot - which is great, but I usually love setting up photoshoots and playing with my DSLR.  With this PPD, I just don't want to even try.  So today, I forced myself to try a photoshoot.  SweetPea is 2 1/2 months old already, and wasn't in a very cooperative mood (then again, what baby ever is?!), but I managed to get this:

I know I'm just like all parents who think their baby is the cutest ever, but oh my gosh, those cheeks kill me!  They remind me (in a very endearing way) of Elder Holland or a bulldog.

See the resemblance?  So stinkin' cute.

Anyways, I am happy with my life.  I just have to get through the PPD, then I can really enjoy it without just trying to put on a happy face.  I have so much to be happy for, I just need to get my emotions to remember that!


Rachel said...

Good shot! i could never get decent ones when naomi was that small.
(i'll never think of elder holland the same =)

Angela said...

I love you!!!! Love the picture, so cute. Those cheeks are "massive!!!", but so stinkin cute like you said.
I can't wait for the baptisim/blessing.... so excited to come down and see you- you just don't know how exctied I am!!!!