I woke up the next morning with a headache. I wanted to stay in bed, and pull the blankets over my head. Maybe I could live in hiding, the curtains pulled closed, comfy in my pajamas and with my special blanket to keep me company. Instead, I dragged myself to class. Everytime my thoughts drifted to J, my heart pounded, and I had to fight the tears. I realized that morning how much J had become a very normal part of my life. It was rediculous – I had only known him for a month. I wasn't in love with him – I was going to marry someone else. I pulled my ponytail holder out of my hair, letting it fall into my face, hiding my puffy eyes from anyone who glanced at me. The missionary's promise ring on my finger didn't shine like normal, it seemed dull and tarnished. How could I have let myself fall for J? He'd become my best friend. Why couldn't it have stayed like that – best friends? Why had I let him into my heart, where it could hurt me so much?
I wandered around campus after class, and ended up at the cafeteria. I hadn't eaten alone in weeks – J always met me there, and we'd eat together and tell each other all about our day. I sat right next to the door, and ate quickly. I wanted to get home, and just forget about the past twenty-four hours. Maybe I'd get some ice cream, and drown my sorrows in some Ben & Jerry's chuby hubby while laying on my bed in my pajamas. I left the cafeteria, and realized that I didn't want ice cream. J got me ice cream a couple times when I was having a bad day. Remembering him made my eyes well up with tears yet again. I walked outside, the sun casting a soft orange glow around me. I hurt too much to enjoy it.
I began walking across the quad when I glanced up. I met those blue eyes that belonged to J. My instinct was to rush over to him, tell him about my bad day, and just get a comforting hug. Then our fight rushed back to me. I stood, unsure what direction to walk. He was the reason it had been such an awful day. Why would I want him to comfort me? I realized I was staring at him, with my brows furrowed, and my mouth in a pouting frown. I tried unsuscessfully to wipe any emotion from my face when I realized his eyes looked so sad.
“Can we talk?” J asked. I nodded, and followed him to a quiet patch of grass tucked away near the student building. We sat on the grass across from each other. I stared down at the grass, afraid to meet his eyes again. I ached to reach over, and lean against him, having him wrap his arms around me. I missed him so much. “I miss you” J said softly, a pleading in his eyes. “I know how you feel,” I started, “But I just didn't think you were the kind of person who made fun of others, even if they are … different.” My feelings and fears spilled out, and J nodded as I spoke, listening intently. I told him how worried I was that we were superficial together, that we had fun, but there wasn't a depth there. I paused, and we lapsed into silence. We each stared anywhere but at each other. I was staring at the fabric of my jeans, J stared up at the sky.
J was the one who broke the silence, “Do you see that star there?” I looked up, and nodded. In the evening sky was a faint star, determined to shine bright enough to be seen through the sunset. “Ever wonder if Heaven is near that star?” We began talking about Heaven, our life on earth, and eternity. After a while, we lapsed into silence again.
“See, we can have deep conversations. We're not superficial. It's okay to laugh and joke, but I am sorry I was hurtful with my comments about the choir director.” J reached over, and gently lifted my chin so our eyes would meet. I glanced down, and noticed a bug crawling on the leg of my pants. I wrinkled my nose in disgust, causing J to glance down to see what had caused such a reaction. He laughed, and I glared at him. I reached down to flick the bug off my pants. The bug didn't flick off. Instead, it smeared across my pants. My favorite pants. I burst into tears.
J chuckled, and pulled me over to him, into his arms. He hugged me tightly, reasurring me soothingly. “It's okay, you're okay, everything is okay” I relaxed in his arms, letting the tears flow. He held me, and let me cry. I felt safe and peaceful, letting myself cry in the arms of this man, who I knew would protect me. I didn't want to admit it, but I needed him.
We started over slowly. Best friends first, whatever else came, we could deal with then. We were best friends, I felt safe with him, and I needed a friend desperately. Our friendship had a new depth to it, and I trusted J more. I opened up, and told him about my missionary, about the promise ring and how I was confused and didn't know what I wanted. I told him about my family, my life, my trials. J told me that I needed to pray, and that he just wanted me to be happy – no matter who that would be with. He cared about me deeply, and my happiness meant everything to him.
I still wrote the missionary, but my letters were short, unsure, and unpassionate. His letters to me became longer and longer, more insistant that I had to focus on him, and that he was the only one for me. He told me that as my future husband, he was my preisthood holder, and I needed to follow his revelations. I may have not received revelation about him, but I needed to trust him – his revelation was for both of us. I began to question my faith. If he was receiving revelation about our relationship and future, why wasn't I? I felt anxious when I prayed, begging my Heavenly Father to give me the same revelation, crying when I'd sit and wait for a feeling, a prompting, anything to come to me. All I felt was empty and confused.
To Be Continued ...
Part 6 Now Available HERE
Part 6 Now Available HERE