This pregnancy is taking its toll ... on everyone. It stinks. I am ready for the next few weeks to pass quickly so we can get this baby here safe, and be done with the pregnancy side of things. I'm not ready to be done now though - the next few weeks are desperately needed to make sure this baby is ready to come.
Tuesday we found out that the amnionic fluid is low. The perinatologist changed my Friday non-stress-test to a full ultrasound so we can re-measure the fluid and see what we need to do for this baby. Yesterday, and our OB appt, we talked a lot with our OB about what this all means. Basically, if the fluid number doesn't go up or if it goes down even further, then the baby isn't handling the pre-e. If it goes up, then we're okay to keep her in there and just continue keeping a close eye on her. I'm nervous, but I'm also distracting myself from thinking about it, because there's nothing I can do to change tomorrow's ultrasound.
At 32 weeks and 4 days, I'm getting really uncomfortable. I'm not sleeping well, I have to have 3 pillows propped under my head so that I feel like I can breathe, rolling over is a long, painful process. I'm on week 8 of bedrest. I have tons of cravings that I can't do anything about. This morning I woke up desperately wanting a muffin. But DH and the kids needed to get off to work and school, and I can't go get my own muffins from the store, and I can't go down and bake. I'll survive of course ... its just frustrating to feel so helpless over a stupid muffin craving.
Then there's my husband. He's off to work ... frustrated because he can't skip out and get me some muffins. He listens to me whine, and hears me whimper and groan when I roll over. He wants to fix it, make everything all better, but he can't. I know it really frustrates him, and I have to try to not take it personally ... which is hard, because the pregnancy hormones already have me bursting into tears randomly throughout the day.
My kids are having a hard time too. They are fighting more, whining more, and crying more. They are totally feeding off of my energy, because half the time I ask them why they are crying, they say "I don't know" ... which of course makes them cry harder. Their little world has been turned upside-down. 6 weeks ago, their best friends / cousins moved away. They are used to having their cousins (and aunt and uncle) there for them all the time, just 3 miles away. Its been a hard transition for them. Then, I'm on bedrest ... they've had family and church friends picking them up from school ... which has been hard on them to not know that mom is always there. Don't get me wrong, they are really great and sweet, and try very hard to make things easier on me, but a 6 year old shouldn't come home and ask "Mom, is your blood pressure okay today?" or ask "Is today a doctors appointment, or is that tomorrow?" I have a hard time knowing how much this difficult pregnancy is affecting them.
I called my mom today ... she was going to bring a family friend over to visit. I haven't seen this friend in 10 years, but I told my mom today that I'm just not up for it. I'm exhausted, and have to stay in bed. There isn't a clean room in the house. I think the dogs smell ... they haven't been groomed in forever, and spend way too much time in their kennels ... which also smell like dog ... making the family room smell like dog. My kitchen is covered with paper plates, cereal, snack wrappers, and several days of take-out bags. I have no idea if there's anything in the dishwasher. The floor hasn't been mopped in 8 weeks. Our living room is covered in kids school papers, piles of shoes and jackets and bike helmets, not to mention the giant box from the baby car seat that the kids have transformed into a Despicable Me "box of shame". That's just the rooms that a visitor would see (and smell - eww).
Needless to say, I'm just not up to entertaining or visiting right now. Usually I'm laid back, and relaxed about people seeing our house in a lived-in state, but this is too much. I'm also fighting the same headache that I've had for a week now ... but the tylenol PM didn't even let me sleep through it last night. Plus, the effort it takes to "just not worry" about tomorrow's appointment is taking up all of my energy.
The hardest part of all is that I don't have a lot of outlets for my frustration ... honestly I don't WANT a lot of outlets, but I feel like I've used my outlets up. I feel like the girl who always complains and whines. And in trying to not complain and whine, my husband ends up on the receiving end of most of my frustrated crying and complaining. He is sweet, and tries to listen and be patient with me, but its wearing him down ... and now that his best friend moved (the brother who moved all my kid's best-friend-cousins to the other side of the country ... we do still love them though), he doesn't have much of an outlet either. We're all exhausted. Its also so hard for DH to let me just whine without wanting to fix it all ... and no matter how hard he tries, there's just no way for him to fix all this, leaving him even more frustrated.
Whine, whine, whine. Seriously, I've got to stop!
On a more cheerful note: