I'm sure hearing me whine about PPD can get annoying ... but that's just too bad ;)
The past few days, I've had more anxiety than normal. I'm fine during the day, but when bedtime hits, I lay in bed and panic. I worry endlessly about every little thing, and every medium thing and every big thing that I can think of. I panic about my children, I worry about my husband. After a while, I just cry. Last night, my husband just held me as I sobbed. I had a terrible sense of foreboding ... like something bad was just around the corner. My stomach hurt, and I couldn't breathe. It was a full-blown panic attack. I tried all of the relaxing techniques I've been taught over the years, and none of them brought my anxiety down. My husband tried to distract me with a word game that usually helps me, but the game had me panicking even more. So he just held me while I cried, and reminded me that God doesn't give us the anxious foreboding feeling, like how when we were told that SweetPea had heterotaxy, how God gave us strength and peace. His point gave me comfort, and I was able to come back down to calmness.
I know that God gave me my husband as a gift to help me through the PPD junk. When we were first married, I had to have faith that I had chosen "Mr Right". But as life has gone on, and we've had four kids, and dealt with PPD after 3 of them, and we've been through college, jobs, and life together, I KNOW that he's my Mr Right. I don't know if he was my "soul mate" when we got married ... I think that God let me choose, and I am so blessed that the man I chose has become my soul mate. There's no one else I could imagine being with.
While PPD is one of the trials I've got to get through in life, God does give me little glimpses of light to remind me that I can be happy, and that this PPD is short-term.
Last night, the happiness came from my little SweetPea. I so love this baby!!! Its funny to watch how much all my other children love her too. I start to worry that I am not paying enough attention or giving enough love to the older three, but then they walk up to their baby sister, and coo at her and talk in high-pitched motherese. Even 9 year old SuperBoy, who is too cool for most things, will walk up to SweetPea and baby-talk with her. It makes my heart swell with so much happiness.
Even though last night was rough, this sooooo makes up for it:
I just want to squeeze this baby and hug her and smother her with kisses and love!
<3
Showing posts with label SweetPea. Show all posts
Showing posts with label SweetPea. Show all posts
8/1/11
5/15/11
Home
After 23 days of the NICU, our little SweetPea is finally home. She came home on oxygen, she still has some pulmonary hypertension and the oxygen helps keep it low. We see her cardiologist in a month, so he can check it, but also to check for hopeful improvement with a dilation (aka hole) in the atrium, as well as a valve that was sluggish, but has improved with medicine.
I am so grateful to have my baby home, and to be with my other kids again. When we walked out of the hospital with our baby, it was the first time I'd been outside in 4 days at that point. I'd never been so happy to see blue skies and sunshine ... it was a beautiful day, but I was happiest because my baby was next to me, coming home.
Its been a small adjustment having a new baby at home, and teaching the kids to be careful of all the medical equipment, but its been a pretty mellow adjustment, considering how rough and painful the previous 23 days had been, not to mention the 10 weeks of bedrest before that.
We are so happy to be home, and so grateful for all the love, support and prayers that so many people have given us through all this.
I am so grateful to have my baby home, and to be with my other kids again. When we walked out of the hospital with our baby, it was the first time I'd been outside in 4 days at that point. I'd never been so happy to see blue skies and sunshine ... it was a beautiful day, but I was happiest because my baby was next to me, coming home.
Its been a small adjustment having a new baby at home, and teaching the kids to be careful of all the medical equipment, but its been a pretty mellow adjustment, considering how rough and painful the previous 23 days had been, not to mention the 10 weeks of bedrest before that.
We are so happy to be home, and so grateful for all the love, support and prayers that so many people have given us through all this.
~*~*~*~
4/28/11
SweetPea Update
SweetPea is now 1 week old. It's been a very long and heart-wrenching week.
Yesterday was a rough day. She started to go downhill, and her treatment got upped. She's on CPAP, and has Respiratory Distress Syndrome / Premature Lung Disease. Then we found out that in addition to those things, she has Pulmonary Hypertension, Heterotaxy Syndrome, a too-thick muscle on the right ventrical of her heart, also has a hole in her heart, between two of her ventricles - there are also some other heart concerns because of the heterotaxy. They were also concerned that she might not have a spleen, and other organs might be compromised or have trouble (like her kidneys or liver)
Today, they tried to put in a PICC line (basically an IV that goes in her arm, through the vein to the heart), but after 3 failed tries, they stopped. She also had another echocardiogram, and an abdominal ultrasound. The techs wouldn't tell us anything, except that at one point, the US tech labeled the spleen, and DH said "is that the spleen?" and the tech said "yep" ... so that was really relieving to us. The neonatologist had said that she would be really surprised if SweetPea had a spleen because of the heterotaxy.
She's on ataban(?) and morphine right now to keep her calm (she's a very feisty baby!), and a med for her pulmonary hypertension, a med for her heart, and lots of antibiotics ... she's eating well through a tube that goes to her stomach, but is really puffy from all the fluids and IVs.
Tomorrow, SweetPea is being transferred to a children's specialty hospital, so she can be surrounded by more doctors, and have a cardiologist and geneticist work on her case. Our neonatologist works in the NICU at both hospitals, so we will have some continuing care from this hospital to that one.
Anyways ... SweetPea is a week old today. I've held her once, and I've seen her open her eyes twice. This may be the hardest thing I have ever been through. I'm so emotionally numb most the time, that I can't even cry, because I keep expecting that I need to brace myself for more bad news. The blessing is that a lot of this stuff is NOT from being premature - its stuff that would have caused problems down the road, but because she was early, and life flighted to a better hospital, it was discovered now. We know that Heavenly Father is in charge, and that only He knows what is meant to be for our beautiful little SweetPea, and as hard as it is, we are trusting in Him.
Yesterday was a rough day. She started to go downhill, and her treatment got upped. She's on CPAP, and has Respiratory Distress Syndrome / Premature Lung Disease. Then we found out that in addition to those things, she has Pulmonary Hypertension, Heterotaxy Syndrome, a too-thick muscle on the right ventrical of her heart, also has a hole in her heart, between two of her ventricles - there are also some other heart concerns because of the heterotaxy. They were also concerned that she might not have a spleen, and other organs might be compromised or have trouble (like her kidneys or liver)
Today, they tried to put in a PICC line (basically an IV that goes in her arm, through the vein to the heart), but after 3 failed tries, they stopped. She also had another echocardiogram, and an abdominal ultrasound. The techs wouldn't tell us anything, except that at one point, the US tech labeled the spleen, and DH said "is that the spleen?" and the tech said "yep" ... so that was really relieving to us. The neonatologist had said that she would be really surprised if SweetPea had a spleen because of the heterotaxy.
She's on ataban(?) and morphine right now to keep her calm (she's a very feisty baby!), and a med for her pulmonary hypertension, a med for her heart, and lots of antibiotics ... she's eating well through a tube that goes to her stomach, but is really puffy from all the fluids and IVs.
Tomorrow, SweetPea is being transferred to a children's specialty hospital, so she can be surrounded by more doctors, and have a cardiologist and geneticist work on her case. Our neonatologist works in the NICU at both hospitals, so we will have some continuing care from this hospital to that one.
Anyways ... SweetPea is a week old today. I've held her once, and I've seen her open her eyes twice. This may be the hardest thing I have ever been through. I'm so emotionally numb most the time, that I can't even cry, because I keep expecting that I need to brace myself for more bad news. The blessing is that a lot of this stuff is NOT from being premature - its stuff that would have caused problems down the road, but because she was early, and life flighted to a better hospital, it was discovered now. We know that Heavenly Father is in charge, and that only He knows what is meant to be for our beautiful little SweetPea, and as hard as it is, we are trusting in Him.
Saturday April 23, 2011
on bubble cpap
Sunday April 24, 2011
on high flow O2
Tuesday April 26, 2011
back on bubble cpap, and very mad!
1/7/11
Happy New Year!
It's been a busy holiday season, and its nice to be getting back into the routine of regular life. I loved Christmas, but there's something calming about having a schedule again!
Little Sweet Pea is due in May, and we're getting excited. We've had a lot of doctor appointments, perinatologist appointments, and ultrasounds the past month, but everything is looking good, and Sweet Pea is just darling in-utero! At our last ultrasound, we got to watch her grabbing her toes, drinking amniotic fluid, and trying to eat her fist. I'm just over half-way through this pregnancy now - and we have high hopes for a full-term baby this time around!
Little Sweet Pea is due in May, and we're getting excited. We've had a lot of doctor appointments, perinatologist appointments, and ultrasounds the past month, but everything is looking good, and Sweet Pea is just darling in-utero! At our last ultrasound, we got to watch her grabbing her toes, drinking amniotic fluid, and trying to eat her fist. I'm just over half-way through this pregnancy now - and we have high hopes for a full-term baby this time around!
The other "baby" in our house is Dakota, our Bernese Mountain pup. Koda is 5 months old now, and is turning into a pretty good dog. She's nearly 100% house trained, and has learned not to nibble on people. Her baby teeth are almost all gone, and her favorite thing to do is lay on our feet ... which can be pretty nice in the winter! We are going to start some training soon ... she is being a pill with jumping up on us ... which wouldn't be as big a problem, except she's a BIG dog! She loves to train though - especially if bacon treats are involved. So far, she can "Sit", lay "Down", get "Off" the furniture, and go to "Bed" (her kennel). Not too bad for a 5 month old ;) Now we just have to figure out how to teach her to not walk up and lean on our legs ... its endearing, but she's so big that I have to fight not to fall over, lol!
Anyways, that's about it for us right now! Hope you're having a great beginning of 2011!
12/1/10
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