The crummy side of PPD

I've been having a severe ppd week. Unfortunately, my medications ran out on Saturday, with my Dr appt being on Tuesday. So I had two days without my meds. Didn't sound that stupid then. It was. I have had a very crummy week. I can't stop crying, can't stop wallowing in self-pity. I am so harsh to myself, tearing myself down constantly. Not on purpose ... just that inner monologue that is being grumpy. I feel like a nobody, and like my life doesn't have much value. I'm tired and just want to sleep all day, and I've been having bad headaches for 3 days now.

Yesterday I decided I wanted to finally get into professional photography - mainly from feeling worthless until I'm at the computer looking at my digital pictures. I love photography. Unfortunately, I've already realised what a dumb idea it was, and how I'd never actually succeed, and how pointless it is anyways when there's no way I'd be any good, especially since all I've taken is high school photography. No one wants a wanna-be taking their pictures.

Yesterday I also stopped by my SILs house. I cried my way home. She's so sweet, and her life just seems so perfect. I've invited her and her kids over about 9 times now. I've also invited her to bring her kids for the day, and she can rest. I don't think she trusts me. Not that I blame her. I love my SIL, but I think I'm also so very jealous that she seems to have it all - especially all the family fawning over them. I can't remember the last time family members just "dropped by" my house to check on me. But, then again, I'm not my SIL.

Post Partum Depression sucks. It's horrible, and I hate it. I hate feeling hopeless and worthless. I hate feeling so down that it seems it will never end.
I hate seeing people who are normal, and feeling like I am broken. Like something is just so wrong with me that it makes me not a person. I hate the feeling of drowning in darkness. I hate PPD.

Hopefully my meds will get in my system quickly, and I'll be back to myself within a week or so. I think I'm going to take a bit of a break for now though. Tomorrow is DH & my 6th anniversary. Guess what we're doing ... nothing. Oh, wait, I am going to the dentist to have 3 teeth worked on. I think the nitrious oxide beats our last 4 anniversaries though! I do love the nitrious oxide.

I hope everyone else's week is much better than mine. Sorry I'm a downer - I promise to make it up to you next week.

(hugs)