6/18/09

Broken Home ...

I think about how much this mess with my dad has hurt me directly: the nights I've cried myself to sleep, hurting as I see the older families at church who are sitting together, the fear of falling to pieces, and my kids seeing the pain in my heart from the whole thing.  

Then I remember how vulnerable I was as a teenager, and I begin to think about how hard this would have been for me at that stage in life.  My sisters ARE in that stage right now.  It just breaks my heart to see them hurt and confused, and even scared at times.  THIS is how they feel.  My baby sister just turned 16.  I remember when I was 16.  I was trying to find who I was, and where I fit in.  I kept a tough exterior, but everything went straight to my heart.  

I'm just sad that we have all been dumped into this situation by a man who was supposed to love us always.  He was supposed to be faithful, teach us of love and truth ... be at our weddings, as a witness in the temple.  I cry to think that NONE of my other siblings will have that.  It just breaks my heart.  I had a daddy-daughter dance at my wedding - now I sob and wish that my dad would come back.  Not the man he is now, but the man he was, and could have become.  

So much lost ... his marriage, his family, his grandchildren, his religion ... all thrown away for affairs and paid escorts.   We deserved better.  My mom deserves better.  My sisters deserve better.  My brothers deserve better.  My children deserve better.    He threw it all away, without remorse.  He threw us away.

And it wasn't HIS to throw away --- it was OUR family.  

My brother pointed out that I'm actually my dad's step-daughter, so it must hurt me less.   I guess that is partially true. I am "the step-daughter".  I was a baby when my birth father died, and my mom remarried when I was 3.  THREE.  I know NOTHING but him as "My Dad".  I always called him dad, respected him as my dad, and lived my life as his daughter.  Him leaving our family hurts me so much, because he was NEVER my "step-dad", he was ALWAYS my dad.   I have lost two dads in one lifetime.  And it is extremely painful.  

It's just lame.  And dumb.  And stinky.  And stupid.  And ... it's just so very sad.  

very sad.

If a stupid poem could fix our home
I'd read it every day.


But there is nothing to "FIX" it.  We just have to go on, move forward.  We need each other, and we need love and support.  We'll all be okay ... eventually.

5 comments:

Niecey said...

Gosh I'm so sorry. I watched the you tube and read a bunch of the comments after. It's so sad.

My parents divorced when I was 9 and it still deeply effects me to this day. It's just not how it was meant to be. And it is really sad.

Faith said...

I'm sorry Elozia! It really does stink. My dad has chosen a similar path. The only way back for them is repentance. It is possible but they must choose it and that starts with admitting they have done wrong and feeling badly for what they have done. It is up to them.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Heidi said...

Hearing about him makes me want to hurt him until he GETS what he is doing to you. He doesn't really get what he is missing.

Esther/Mom said...

Elozia, I have never left any comments on your blog but I found out about from Kirsta, I think. I am so sorry about all that has happened. I knew both your real father and your step-dad. I was so happy for your mom when she found Jonathan after your dad died, and it hurts to know what he has done. I wish I could let him know how much pain he has caused all of you and others he doesn't even realize are hurting. I hope he comes to a realization of how wrong it all is and can repent before it is too late. We love you all and pray the Lord will bless you in this ordeal.

Amber said...

I hope that the old saying that time heals all wounds will soon be able to help you. Big HUGS