I think about how much this mess with my dad has hurt me directly: the nights I've cried myself to sleep, hurting as I see the older families at church who are sitting together, the fear of falling to pieces, and my kids seeing the pain in my heart from the whole thing.
Then I remember how vulnerable I was as a teenager, and I begin to think about how hard this would have been for me at that stage in life. My sisters ARE in that stage right now. It just breaks my heart to see them hurt and confused, and even scared at times. THIS is how they feel. My baby sister just turned 16. I remember when I was 16. I was trying to find who I was, and where I fit in. I kept a tough exterior, but everything went straight to my heart.
I'm just sad that we have all been dumped into this situation by a man who was supposed to love us always. He was supposed to be faithful, teach us of love and truth ... be at our weddings, as a witness in the temple. I cry to think that NONE of my other siblings will have that. It just breaks my heart. I had a daddy-daughter dance at my wedding - now I sob and wish that my dad would come back. Not the man he is now, but the man he was, and could have become.
So much lost ... his marriage, his family, his grandchildren, his religion ... all thrown away for affairs and paid escorts. We deserved better. My mom deserves better. My sisters deserve better. My brothers deserve better. My children deserve better. He threw it all away, without remorse. He threw us away.
And it wasn't HIS to throw away --- it was OUR family.
My brother pointed out that I'm actually my dad's step-daughter, so it must hurt me less. I guess that is partially true. I am "the step-daughter". I was a baby when my birth father died, and my mom remarried when I was 3. THREE. I know NOTHING but him as "My Dad". I always called him dad, respected him as my dad, and lived my life as his daughter. Him leaving our family hurts me so much, because he was NEVER my "step-dad", he was ALWAYS my dad. I have lost two dads in one lifetime. And it is extremely painful.
It's just lame. And dumb. And stinky. And stupid. And ... it's just so very sad.
If a stupid poem could fix our home
I'd read it every day.
I'd read it every day.
But there is nothing to "FIX" it. We just have to go on, move forward. We need each other, and we need love and support. We'll all be okay ... eventually.