Broken Home ...

I think about how much this mess with my dad has hurt me directly: the nights I've cried myself to sleep, hurting as I see the older families at church who are sitting together, the fear of falling to pieces, and my kids seeing the pain in my heart from the whole thing.  

Then I remember how vulnerable I was as a teenager, and I begin to think about how hard this would have been for me at that stage in life.  My sisters ARE in that stage right now.  It just breaks my heart to see them hurt and confused, and even scared at times.  THIS is how they feel.  My baby sister just turned 16.  I remember when I was 16.  I was trying to find who I was, and where I fit in.  I kept a tough exterior, but everything went straight to my heart.  

I'm just sad that we have all been dumped into this situation by a man who was supposed to love us always.  He was supposed to be faithful, teach us of love and truth ... be at our weddings, as a witness in the temple.  I cry to think that NONE of my other siblings will have that.  It just breaks my heart.  I had a daddy-daughter dance at my wedding - now I sob and wish that my dad would come back.  Not the man he is now, but the man he was, and could have become.  

So much lost ... his marriage, his family, his grandchildren, his religion ... all thrown away for affairs and paid escorts.   We deserved better.  My mom deserves better.  My sisters deserve better.  My brothers deserve better.  My children deserve better.    He threw it all away, without remorse.  He threw us away.

And it wasn't HIS to throw away --- it was OUR family.  

My brother pointed out that I'm actually my dad's step-daughter, so it must hurt me less.   I guess that is partially true. I am "the step-daughter".  I was a baby when my birth father died, and my mom remarried when I was 3.  THREE.  I know NOTHING but him as "My Dad".  I always called him dad, respected him as my dad, and lived my life as his daughter.  Him leaving our family hurts me so much, because he was NEVER my "step-dad", he was ALWAYS my dad.   I have lost two dads in one lifetime.  And it is extremely painful.  

It's just lame.  And dumb.  And stinky.  And stupid.  And ... it's just so very sad.  

very sad.

If a stupid poem could fix our home
I'd read it every day.

But there is nothing to "FIX" it.  We just have to go on, move forward.  We need each other, and we need love and support.  We'll all be okay ... eventually.

huh ...

After pretending I don't exist for a few months, my dad decided to get nasty on my sister's "congrats" thread on facebook.

I wouldn't have been too upset, except for the "1/2 sister" comment.  Oh. NO. he. DIDN'T.

Then I just started to feel sorry for him.  He must feel threatened to lash out so viciously.  It's like when he played chess all Christmas break a few years ago - my husband kept beating him.  If he felt one of his pieces were threatened, he would attack with no regard for the future of the game.  It was his undoing in every chess game.  I suppose his life choices aren't that different than his attempt at chess.

I'd rather be obscenely into brownies than go anywhere near his obscene life choices.

Drama & Psychosis

Now that my food poisoning has passed, I've been getting busy, taking the kids to the mall, cleaning, sewing curtains ... and dealing with the threatening message my dad's mistress left on my mom's voice mail.  

What?

Oh. My. Gosh.  I was talking to my mom, chatting about my kids' morning excursion to Build-A-Bear, when she said "huh, I have a message, just a second."  I laughed, because that is SO my mom - she's great at multitasking.  I don't mind ... because I'm nosy!  I like to hear about upcoming appointments and the hellos of her friends, or I just tune it out and finally answer the incessant "Mom? Mom! Hey Mom?" that inevitably comes when the children see me on the phone.

So, I started to listen to one of my kids, when the message's words drifted to my brain ... " ... you better have your "$*@%" ready girlfriend, because this is going to come back and bite you in the "#$%".  I snapped to attention, and as the rest of this caller's ranting registered in my mind, I demanded - MOM who WAS that?!  

I don't know why the mistress/girlfriend felt the need to call and so lividly and defensively threaten my mother.  Nothing has happened recently to warrant anything.  The divorce is still in process, but that's not my mom's fault. My mother has been TOO gracious about this ridiculous woman - to willing to let the blame get pushed onto herself.  But by golly, I am not that gracious.

I tried to get ahold of my dad.  I haven't talked to him in over a month (and THAT was a horrible conversation!) ... and I got his voice mail.  I don't know what stories he made up to get that woman SO vicious, but he needed to know that I did not appreciate his girlfriend treating his not-yet-ex-WIFE (aka, my mom!) that way.  I left a 4 minute message.

I guess my cheating, escort-hiring dad got just what he deserves ... a psychotic girlfriend.  Now they can be psycho together, making the world a lesser place everywhere they go.  

Oh, thank heavens for therapy.  Without it, my poor blog would be overtaxed with frustration!

Drama ... grab some popcorn.

I received this "motivational thought" from my dad, the day after he was in court trying to get out of giving my mother ANY money (btw, did you know that infidelity means NOTHING in a divorce?!  That just makes me sick):

How is one to respond to that?  I laughed for the first two days.  I couldn't see how it could have been more absurd or ridiculous.  

I finally responded with my true feelings.  

Hmm ... he "loves me, like he always has" ... but cheats on my mother?  Chooses "the other woman" when asked to choose between his family or his girlfriend.  Wow, thanks for all the love.  If only that's even ALL he had been up to.  It's sad when you wish there had been only ONE affair.

He is toxic.  I am torn between giving myself permission to voice my feelings, and just writing him off as the creep he is choosing to be.  Even my therapist is just sickened by the things my dad is choosing to do and say to everyone.

AUGH.  

Tears

I was walking through Sears today when the song "Father of Mine" came on over the speakers.  I was trying not to cry, when AngelBaby asked why I was sad.  Before I could answer, she said "Is it cuz your father? Is Nana sad too?"  I quickly reassured her, that while I might feel sad, I am happy because I have my family in my life, and because I have a wonderful AngelBaby.  She took that answer, and drifted off into talking about buying the dog a new toy.  I didn't drift off though.  I wonder how much of my hurt and sadness washes over onto my children.  I thought I was doing pretty well at hiding my sadness, but my children are just much more intuitive than I give them credit for.  After telling me all about the toy she thinks the puppy needs, AngelBaby reached over to give me a kiss, and a "heart hug" ... putting her head to listen to my heart, while giving big hugs.  I forgot about the song, and welled up from the love I receive so regularly.  She always has been my little Angel.  

I've been MIA

It's been an overwhelming month.  My days have been uneventful, but busy.  I lay down to sleep, and my mind races as it tries to sort through the situations we're facing.  

We spent Christmas at my Mom's house.  I love my mom.  Our kids slept in the sitting room of the master suite, and loved being in Nana's room.  AngelBaby woke up almost every night.  At first, she'd wander down the hall to our room, but by the end of our stay, she'd see she was in Nana's room, and happily stay put.  

Christmas was actually very peaceful and happy, despite what we were all dealing with.  My dad used Christmas as a time to call and ream on my brother about student health insurance.  I answered the phone, and he didn't even say hi.  I seem to forget that the man who was my dad is gone.  That man wouldn't be so hurtful to his children.  I forget that some body-snatcher has replaced MY dad, with some one else.  He sounds like my dad, but he is unkind, petty, and a self-serving narcissist.  I wonder if MY dad is gone, or has just been shoved into the corner of his body, being suffocated by the evil soul who has taken him over.  Have you read The Host, by Stephenie Meyer?  That's sort of how I picture this situation ... except MY dad isn't fighting to keep himself there.

Okay, so back to my MIA-status the past few weeks.  New Years came.  I DID make a resolution.  Just one resolution.  I am getting my home organized this year.  Every two weeks I will tackle a new room / space.  The first project was the entry-way closet.  It's been hideous - shoved to the brim with stuff.  Coats, tupperwares, a sewing table, a quilting frame, DH's hunting gear, the kids various shoes ... not pairs, just shoes.  That was just the top layer ;)  So, the closet got an overhaul.  It now functions.   Being in the entry, it is considered a "coat closet".  Well, I helped it's simple dream come true:

It may look chaotic, but it is now organized chaos.  One bin for each child's shoes.  Plenty of hooks for coats, backpacks, dog leashes, and the random dog sweater.  A shoe organizer for the grown-ups.  Bins above for extra storage.  Storage for the puppy's food.  It's all in there!  And it's easy to find.  I got the bins & shoe rack at Target, and the dog-food bin, black bins, and 4 racks of hooks at Ikea.  It was the most gratifying money I have spent in a while!

I haven't decided what space is next week's project. Heaven knows every bit of space in my house needs an overhaul ;)

So, I guess that catches you up to today.  It's friday, which means I am counting down the hours until I get a full weekend of snuggling next to my husband ... sticking my cold toes next to his warm toes, and watching classic movies.  I suppose we'll hang out with the kids too.  The kids are dying to get out into the snow outside, and play till they turn into icicles.  It will be a good weekend.  Just the kind of weekend I love.

Music in my head

In going through this rough time right now, I have a lot of songs that run through my head.  

Take a Bow
My Immortal
The Battle

My baby sister keeps listening to "Father of Mine" by Everclear. 

"Father of mine

Tell me where have you been

You know I just closed my eyes

My whole world disappeared ....

Father of mine

Tell me where did you go

You had the world inside your hand

But you did not seem to know

Father of mine

Tell me what do you see

When you look back at your wasted life

And you dont see me"

Those words just break my heart.  It shows just how deeply we are all hurting.  These choices our dad say are none of our business, have destroyed the walls of safety around us.  And we all hurt so badly.  Every single one of us.  He thinks this is something between him and my mom.  But it isn't.  

I get hit by "How to Save a Life".  I've never been able to listen to it without struggling to hold back tears.  It was mostly because my life was saved by my husband when I overdosed in the darkness of depression.  A life is so precious, so so precious, and people don't realize how important and precious they are as an individual.  I feel as though my dad has died - given his heart away to infidelity and lies, and has let Satan convince him that wickedness is the only path for him to be happy.  "How to Save a Life" makes me wish so hard, so deep in my heart, that I could go and shake my dad out of this awfulness.  That I could help him see how much his choices DO hurt others, and himself.   Its so heartbreakingly ironic to me, knowing that I was so scared of disappointing my dad, that I begged my husband to not tell my parents that I was in the hospital for severe postpartum depression. These words hit me the hardest right now, reminding me of my meeting with him after he chose the divorce, my heart saddened by his apathy and annoyance with us all:

"...Try to slip past his defense

Without granting innocence...

...He will do one of two things

He will admit to everything

Or he'll say he's just not the same

And you'll begin to wonder why you came..."

He thinks the divorce shouldn't hurt us.  If only he could understand that its not the divorce, but the fact that he cheated on our mom.  That infidelity wasn't just being unfaithful to his wife, it was being unfaithful to his family, his children, his grandchildren.  

I am regularly trying to hide my hurting heart from my children, never wanting them to feel the pain that is ripping at my heart.  The man that I trusted to hold my bike while I learned to ride, the man that baptized me, the man that was a witness at my wedding, the man who was there to see his newborn grandson ... That man is no more.  He's gone.  He chose to check out of our family.  All those things, all his children were and tried to be for him, none of it was enough to keep him faithful to our family.  The biggest slap was how much I looked up to him, respected him, and was so scared to disappoint him.  How easy I was to be hurt.

Not that he can understand the pain, but this is the face I'm trying to hide behind a smile right now:

The puffy nose, splotchy face, quivery chin, and red eyes aren't easy to hide.  Why can't he just tell us it's okay to be hurt by his choices?  

How?!

How can someone be unfaithful to their spouse, then be annoyed because their children are hurt by it?!  It's heartbreaking to experience.  I am so grateful for an adoring husband who stands by my side through everything, even when our relationship is less than perfect - not to mention the fact that I am also far from perfect.

Divorce

You may have noticed my dad's name wasn't included on who was coming here for Thanksgiving.  My parents are getting divorced.  "Someone" chose infidelity over the family, and has been living a double life for years.  It's heartbreaking - seriously painful and difficult to understand.  The unfaithful individual said that they fell out of love a long time ago, and there have been troubles both ways.  But love isn't something you fall in or out of, like a black hole ... Love is what you DO.  Love isn't a thing, it's an action - the action that describes the warmth you feel, the action that describes what you do for someone, or how you act towards someone.  Love is work!

As a married child in the family, I am able to find comfort in my marriage.  I have a wonderful husband, who is supportive, defensive of me and my family, and would do anything for me.  I hope to learn and grow by reading every marital book I can get my hands on, and implementing the helpful suggestions into all the love and support I can give my husband.  We both have divorcing/divorced parents as of the past 2 years.  It's a hard thing to witness.  It has really hit me that I can't stand still in this marriage - standing still is how you start to drift apart.  I need to go forward, loving with all my heart, remembering that the little things are WHY I loved him to begin with, and the big things will make us stronger and closer if I choose to let them.

All I know is that the The Family: Proclamation to the World is so drastically true.  The nuclear family is under attack, and we need to protect ourselves, and our families by working diligently against the advisory.  I have now seen how cunning and evil Satan is with his work to destroy families, and I will stand against him with all that I have.  My family is everything to me.