We're moved!

We finally got ourselves moved in.  The walk through was awful - we ended up having a cleaning crew work on the bathrooms, while my SIL and I cleaned everything else.  I'm so NOT a clean freak ... but there's something about not being able to see through a glass shower door.

We love our new ward.  Just love it.

The kids should start school next week.  I need to get them registered ... but which school?!  The closest one to us isn't actually OUR school ... our street is the dividing line - so we could request to be in that school anyways.  DH and I are going by the other school tonight to see how far it is, and all that.

The house needs painted.  I need good color sugestions.  Everything is bland white ... except for two of the bathrooms and one living room wall ... someone got creative with faux-texturing.  The family room & kitchen were also painted this weird gray color that is kind of depressing.  I think the laundry/mud room is begging to be yellow.  I also need a good neutral tan color - any suggestions?

Broken Home ...

I think about how much this mess with my dad has hurt me directly: the nights I've cried myself to sleep, hurting as I see the older families at church who are sitting together, the fear of falling to pieces, and my kids seeing the pain in my heart from the whole thing.  

Then I remember how vulnerable I was as a teenager, and I begin to think about how hard this would have been for me at that stage in life.  My sisters ARE in that stage right now.  It just breaks my heart to see them hurt and confused, and even scared at times.  THIS is how they feel.  My baby sister just turned 16.  I remember when I was 16.  I was trying to find who I was, and where I fit in.  I kept a tough exterior, but everything went straight to my heart.  

I'm just sad that we have all been dumped into this situation by a man who was supposed to love us always.  He was supposed to be faithful, teach us of love and truth ... be at our weddings, as a witness in the temple.  I cry to think that NONE of my other siblings will have that.  It just breaks my heart.  I had a daddy-daughter dance at my wedding - now I sob and wish that my dad would come back.  Not the man he is now, but the man he was, and could have become.  

So much lost ... his marriage, his family, his grandchildren, his religion ... all thrown away for affairs and paid escorts.   We deserved better.  My mom deserves better.  My sisters deserve better.  My brothers deserve better.  My children deserve better.    He threw it all away, without remorse.  He threw us away.

And it wasn't HIS to throw away --- it was OUR family.  

My brother pointed out that I'm actually my dad's step-daughter, so it must hurt me less.   I guess that is partially true. I am "the step-daughter".  I was a baby when my birth father died, and my mom remarried when I was 3.  THREE.  I know NOTHING but him as "My Dad".  I always called him dad, respected him as my dad, and lived my life as his daughter.  Him leaving our family hurts me so much, because he was NEVER my "step-dad", he was ALWAYS my dad.   I have lost two dads in one lifetime.  And it is extremely painful.  

It's just lame.  And dumb.  And stinky.  And stupid.  And ... it's just so very sad.  

very sad.

If a stupid poem could fix our home
I'd read it every day.

But there is nothing to "FIX" it.  We just have to go on, move forward.  We need each other, and we need love and support.  We'll all be okay ... eventually.

Dishes

I came in the kitchen today to find my kids doing dishes.  I turned to my sisters to scold them - I assumed that the 15 and 18 year old had ditched their chores onto my kids.  Turns out, my kids were the ones to initiate the dish-doing.

After the dishes were clean and put away, Princess came to me, and asked "Can we have lunch and dinner now?!"  I asked if she was hungry, and she replied, "no, but we want to do more dishes!"

Fire Safety

The kids have been working together to build a lego castle, and I have been organizing bookshelves.  I was sorting through the books, when I heard Princess say in an urgent voice: "OH! SuperBoy, what if there's a fire?!  We forgot to make two safe ways to get out of the castle!"  SuperBoy responded "Oh, man!  Now we gotta start all over!"   This little interchange was followed by the sounds of legos being scraped off the mat.  

I guess fire safety IS important when you are building a medieval castle, complete with fire-breathing dragons.  Never underestimate emergency exit plans.  

FHE with the Fam!

I love Rockband! It was way too cool, but I wish there were more kid-friendly songs ... my kids would love to play "Hey There Delilah" or "Our Song" or "Short Skirt, Long Jacket" ... they are a bit too young to know "Eye of the Tiger".

After Rockband, we did Disney's Sing-It, which was also really fun - Princess and AngelBaby loved singing Hannah Montana's songs.

I snapped like the paparazzi while everyone else played:

Don't get pinched!

I'll tell you a secret, but you have to promise not to look at me with distain.  I very much do NOT like St Patrick's Day.  I think my annoyance was brought on by getting pinched *really* hard by a mean boy when I was younger.  Since then, the 17th of March evokes fear into the self-preservation part of my heart.

As a mother, I did my duty today - my kids are all wearing green.  No one will be pinching MY children, ugh. 

Here's my girls this afternoon (Superboy is still at school):

In other news, I got my camera back after a whole week of NO camera.  It was a painful week!  I would grab for my camera, and remember again that it was gone, reminding me how sad I was to not have it!  I begrudgingly let my dear husband take it on a trip ... and the turkey never even used it once the whole week, grrr!   It's back in my arms now, and I don't think it will be going anywhere without me for a while!

Happy Birthday!!!

It's my Sister-in-Law's birthday.  She's one of my favorite people in the world ... one of those people who everyone loves.  Lucky me, we're related!  

Happy Birthday!  You're 29 again, right?

hmm ... I'm not sure whether to laugh, or be very afraid ... about the monkey singing (not you having a birthday ;-)

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Yay to my lil' sister!!!!!  Watch out BYU - my gorgeous little sister is headed there this fall!  

A little sneak peak of the hottie:

I'm so excited for her!!!

Healthy Self Esteem

I will be the first to admit that my self-esteem is lacking.  But one of the things that just breaks my heart is to see young girls with self-esteem issues.  The world is hard enough for kids ... and without a faith in themselves, it's just so very sad.

Thats why, a couple minutes ago, all I could do was laugh!

I was looking at a new Etsy store I found, looking at the pictures of each cute little skirt.   Princess came and snuggled up next to me, wrapping her arms around me.  I smiled at her and, pointing at all the photos, said "aren't those really cute?"  To which Princess replied: "Only one thing could be cuter.  If I was wearing them!"

My first reaction was that of: uh oh, is my child conceited?!  Then I looked into her big hazel eyes, and her impish grin, and just laughed.  No, she just has a healthy self esteem, a confidence that I lack.  She didn't mean that other girls were not as cute, but just her sweet and comedic way of saying "yes mom - those are cute, and I love them! (by the way, did you catch the hint that I really want one?)"

There will be enough people in our children's lives to pull them down, to make them doubt their worth.  I don't want to be one of those people in my child's life.  I want my children to know that regardless of the world around them, I find endless value in each of them.  They are my children, and children of our Father in Heaven.  They are each of infinite worth.  If only I could make that a truth that they would never, ever forget.

Super Bowl 2009

We are not sports people.  We just aren't.  

But, we have a tradition of watching the Super Bowl every year.  We watch the game and the commercials.  Some years the game is the highlight, and other times the commercials are the highlight of our evening!

It's a family event ... some years we have a bunch of friends or family over, but this year, it was just us.  We had a lot of fun!

The other big part of SuperBowl night is the treats and food we have.  This year, it was honey bbq chicken wings, pizza rolls, doritos, carmel cashew trail mix, soda and lemonade, and peanut butter M&Ms.   I was shocked that we ended up with NO leftovers.  My kids woofed the food ... and the dog attempted to steal some chicken wings of her own, lol.

We didn't have a particular team to cheer for, especially since one team had a player from UofU, and the other team had a player from BYU.  We sort of just watched, and cheered at the crazy plays.  

Our favorite commercial by far was the Bridgestone commercial with Mr and Mrs Potato Head.  It was so funny, all the kids were laughing!

The game ended with AngelBaby fast asleep on the love seat, Princess snuggling with Lucy-Dawg on the couch, and SuperBoy rolling around on the floor.  We had fun, and our kids will always have fun memories of SuperBowl family night!

Tears

I was walking through Sears today when the song "Father of Mine" came on over the speakers.  I was trying not to cry, when AngelBaby asked why I was sad.  Before I could answer, she said "Is it cuz your father? Is Nana sad too?"  I quickly reassured her, that while I might feel sad, I am happy because I have my family in my life, and because I have a wonderful AngelBaby.  She took that answer, and drifted off into talking about buying the dog a new toy.  I didn't drift off though.  I wonder how much of my hurt and sadness washes over onto my children.  I thought I was doing pretty well at hiding my sadness, but my children are just much more intuitive than I give them credit for.  After telling me all about the toy she thinks the puppy needs, AngelBaby reached over to give me a kiss, and a "heart hug" ... putting her head to listen to my heart, while giving big hugs.  I forgot about the song, and welled up from the love I receive so regularly.  She always has been my little Angel.  

I've been MIA

It's been an overwhelming month.  My days have been uneventful, but busy.  I lay down to sleep, and my mind races as it tries to sort through the situations we're facing.  

We spent Christmas at my Mom's house.  I love my mom.  Our kids slept in the sitting room of the master suite, and loved being in Nana's room.  AngelBaby woke up almost every night.  At first, she'd wander down the hall to our room, but by the end of our stay, she'd see she was in Nana's room, and happily stay put.  

Christmas was actually very peaceful and happy, despite what we were all dealing with.  My dad used Christmas as a time to call and ream on my brother about student health insurance.  I answered the phone, and he didn't even say hi.  I seem to forget that the man who was my dad is gone.  That man wouldn't be so hurtful to his children.  I forget that some body-snatcher has replaced MY dad, with some one else.  He sounds like my dad, but he is unkind, petty, and a self-serving narcissist.  I wonder if MY dad is gone, or has just been shoved into the corner of his body, being suffocated by the evil soul who has taken him over.  Have you read The Host, by Stephenie Meyer?  That's sort of how I picture this situation ... except MY dad isn't fighting to keep himself there.

Okay, so back to my MIA-status the past few weeks.  New Years came.  I DID make a resolution.  Just one resolution.  I am getting my home organized this year.  Every two weeks I will tackle a new room / space.  The first project was the entry-way closet.  It's been hideous - shoved to the brim with stuff.  Coats, tupperwares, a sewing table, a quilting frame, DH's hunting gear, the kids various shoes ... not pairs, just shoes.  That was just the top layer ;)  So, the closet got an overhaul.  It now functions.   Being in the entry, it is considered a "coat closet".  Well, I helped it's simple dream come true:

It may look chaotic, but it is now organized chaos.  One bin for each child's shoes.  Plenty of hooks for coats, backpacks, dog leashes, and the random dog sweater.  A shoe organizer for the grown-ups.  Bins above for extra storage.  Storage for the puppy's food.  It's all in there!  And it's easy to find.  I got the bins & shoe rack at Target, and the dog-food bin, black bins, and 4 racks of hooks at Ikea.  It was the most gratifying money I have spent in a while!

I haven't decided what space is next week's project. Heaven knows every bit of space in my house needs an overhaul ;)

So, I guess that catches you up to today.  It's friday, which means I am counting down the hours until I get a full weekend of snuggling next to my husband ... sticking my cold toes next to his warm toes, and watching classic movies.  I suppose we'll hang out with the kids too.  The kids are dying to get out into the snow outside, and play till they turn into icicles.  It will be a good weekend.  Just the kind of weekend I love.

Music in my head

In going through this rough time right now, I have a lot of songs that run through my head.  

Take a Bow
My Immortal
The Battle

My baby sister keeps listening to "Father of Mine" by Everclear. 

"Father of mine

Tell me where have you been

You know I just closed my eyes

My whole world disappeared ....

Father of mine

Tell me where did you go

You had the world inside your hand

But you did not seem to know

Father of mine

Tell me what do you see

When you look back at your wasted life

And you dont see me"

Those words just break my heart.  It shows just how deeply we are all hurting.  These choices our dad say are none of our business, have destroyed the walls of safety around us.  And we all hurt so badly.  Every single one of us.  He thinks this is something between him and my mom.  But it isn't.  

I get hit by "How to Save a Life".  I've never been able to listen to it without struggling to hold back tears.  It was mostly because my life was saved by my husband when I overdosed in the darkness of depression.  A life is so precious, so so precious, and people don't realize how important and precious they are as an individual.  I feel as though my dad has died - given his heart away to infidelity and lies, and has let Satan convince him that wickedness is the only path for him to be happy.  "How to Save a Life" makes me wish so hard, so deep in my heart, that I could go and shake my dad out of this awfulness.  That I could help him see how much his choices DO hurt others, and himself.   Its so heartbreakingly ironic to me, knowing that I was so scared of disappointing my dad, that I begged my husband to not tell my parents that I was in the hospital for severe postpartum depression. These words hit me the hardest right now, reminding me of my meeting with him after he chose the divorce, my heart saddened by his apathy and annoyance with us all:

"...Try to slip past his defense

Without granting innocence...

...He will do one of two things

He will admit to everything

Or he'll say he's just not the same

And you'll begin to wonder why you came..."

He thinks the divorce shouldn't hurt us.  If only he could understand that its not the divorce, but the fact that he cheated on our mom.  That infidelity wasn't just being unfaithful to his wife, it was being unfaithful to his family, his children, his grandchildren.  

I am regularly trying to hide my hurting heart from my children, never wanting them to feel the pain that is ripping at my heart.  The man that I trusted to hold my bike while I learned to ride, the man that baptized me, the man that was a witness at my wedding, the man who was there to see his newborn grandson ... That man is no more.  He's gone.  He chose to check out of our family.  All those things, all his children were and tried to be for him, none of it was enough to keep him faithful to our family.  The biggest slap was how much I looked up to him, respected him, and was so scared to disappoint him.  How easy I was to be hurt.

Not that he can understand the pain, but this is the face I'm trying to hide behind a smile right now:

The puffy nose, splotchy face, quivery chin, and red eyes aren't easy to hide.  Why can't he just tell us it's okay to be hurt by his choices?  

Wordless Wednesday

My family's a coming!!!

My mom, sisters, and brothers are coming for Thanksgiving!  I'm so excited to see them, and so happy they are coming.  It will be nice to eat turkey, listen to the chit-chat, drooling over the sale ads while the guys talk about computer stuff, and the kids run around with little relatives, playing, snitching rolls and olives, and giggling down the hall.

That's not even mentioning the Macy's Parade, and our tradition of watching "White Christmas" after dinner.  

There is something so wonderful about a holiday of gratitude, while being surrounded by the ones you love.

With family around, gratitude isn't hard to feel!

My Three Little Monkeys:

Now I just need to design the Christmas Card these are being used for!

Happy Halloween!

I have a love-hate relationship with Halloween.  I adore the giving of candy, all the kids in their cute costumes, babies dressed as the cutest little squeezable things!  I hate the scary stuff, I hate masks, I hate haunted houses, I hate blood and gut costumes.  If Halloween could be all cuteness, it would be my favorite holiday for sure!

Today, we have Indiana Jones, A Lil' Witch, and A Ballerina Baby Kitten.

What you get when you DON'T plant a garden:

When you end up not getting around to planting a garden, don't assume that fact gives you permission to ignore the area.  After all, you never know what might grow without your help!

Things like ... I dunno ... Grapes.

Clusters of grapes everywhere!

Seedless Red & Green sweet Grapes - Yum!

Our bowls are overflowing!

Delicious!

1/10th of our Concord Grapes!

Two little monkeys go to school ...

Today will always be remembered as "the first day two of our kids were in school"

SuperBoy is in 2nd grade, and Princess is in Kindergarten.  School started last monday, but our district waits a week for the Kindergartners to start.  SuperBoy started a week ago, but as of today, I drop SuperBoy and Princess off ... SuperBoy walks Princess to her class room, then runs off to his class.  Princess is in half-day, so she'll come home for lunch and naptime before we run off to pick up SuperBoy.

Stay tuned for next week when AngelBaby starts Preschool.  What WILL I do for 2 hours by myself every tuesday and thursday morning?!  The options are endless!

AngelBaby and I got home after dropping them off, and after a few minutes, AngelBaby came to me and said "mom, where's Princess?  I can't find her anywhere."  Poor Kid!  She's so used to having her big sister around - being 16 months apart, they are always right next to each other. She had an okay morning though - walking around for 3 hours like this:

Thank goodness for Lucy today - she was so obliging in being toted around like a teddy bear.  I think AngelBaby and I are going to be using our museum memberships a lot in the upcoming school days!

-BABY BUNNIES-

Yesterday was baby-bunny day FIVE.  They are growing so quickly - it's just amazing to me.  We think we might end up with 3 Sable Point (white w/ gray accents) and 2 Torte (like Sunflower)  Before long, they will be fuzzy enough that there will be no question, lol!

Sunflower, checking up on her babies:

Our new little bunny ...

"Baby Bella" was an early Valentines gift. I was feeling particularly sad about being finished with the baby stage of life, so DH agreed to get a new bunny. We had "Bella" , our first Lionhead rabbit ... and she was a total sweetheart. After she died, I cried for several days straight. Eventually DH bought me 3 new rabbits .. we thought that since we love the Lionhead Rabbit breed so much, we might breed them. We had 2 does and 1 buck. Unfortunately, with 3 bunnies, it was difficult to bond with them all as house pets. It got to be too much, and we sold them to a breeder.

Now that we are in a new house, and more space, we had the room again to open our hearts to a new little lionhead --- just ONE this time. So I began to look at the local ads, until I found the bunny that was a perfect fit. I called to tell the seller that we definitely wanted that bunny, and in talking with the breeder, I thought she sounded familiar. I asked "Is this A?" It was! It was the breeder who had bought our 3 lionheads last year! In fact, the baby I wanted was the daughter from our very own doe and buck we'd sold her! When we picked our new Baby Bella up, I got to see our previous little bunnies ... who were now the proud parents of quite a few litters. It made me laugh as "A" photocopied the pedigrees for me --- the same pedigrees I had given her.

So, as you can tell, we feel that Baby Bella was meant to be ours. And every day that passes just strengthens that feeling. She is so much like our first Bella, and just the world's biggest sweetheart.

Anyways, enough of the long-winded story! Here's the pictures!!! (you can click on them to see them larger!















Doesn't she remind you of a little Ewok?


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