12/9/08

Music in my head

In going through this rough time right now, I have a lot of songs that run through my head.  
My baby sister keeps listening to "Father of Mine" by Everclear. 

"Father of mine
Tell me where have you been
You know I just closed my eyes
My whole world disappeared ....

Father of mine
Tell me where did you go
You had the world inside your hand
But you did not seem to know

Father of mine
Tell me what do you see
When you look back at your wasted life
And you dont see me"

Those words just break my heart.  It shows just how deeply we are all hurting.  These choices our dad say are none of our business, have destroyed the walls of safety around us.  And we all hurt so badly.  Every single one of us.  He thinks this is something between him and my mom.  But it isn't.  

I get hit by "How to Save a Life".  I've never been able to listen to it without struggling to hold back tears.  It was mostly because my life was saved by my husband when I overdosed in the darkness of depression.  A life is so precious, so so precious, and people don't realize how important and precious they are as an individual.  I feel as though my dad has died - given his heart away to infidelity and lies, and has let Satan convince him that wickedness is the only path for him to be happy.  "How to Save a Life" makes me wish so hard, so deep in my heart, that I could go and shake my dad out of this awfulness.  That I could help him see how much his choices DO hurt others, and himself.   Its so heartbreakingly ironic to me, knowing that I was so scared of disappointing my dad, that I begged my husband to not tell my parents that I was in the hospital for severe postpartum depression. These words hit me the hardest right now, reminding me of my meeting with him after he chose the divorce, my heart saddened by his apathy and annoyance with us all:

"...Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence...

...He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came..."


He thinks the divorce shouldn't hurt us.  If only he could understand that its not the divorce, but the fact that he cheated on our mom.  That infidelity wasn't just being unfaithful to his wife, it was being unfaithful to his family, his children, his grandchildren.  

I am regularly trying to hide my hurting heart from my children, never wanting them to feel the pain that is ripping at my heart.  The man that I trusted to hold my bike while I learned to ride, the man that baptized me, the man that was a witness at my wedding, the man who was there to see his newborn grandson ... That man is no more.  He's gone.  He chose to check out of our family.  All those things, all his children were and tried to be for him, none of it was enough to keep him faithful to our family.  The biggest slap was how much I looked up to him, respected him, and was so scared to disappoint him.  How easy I was to be hurt.

Not that he can understand the pain, but this is the face I'm trying to hide behind a smile right now:
The puffy nose, splotchy face, quivery chin, and red eyes aren't easy to hide.  Why can't he just tell us it's okay to be hurt by his choices?  

15 comments:

Goat Girl said...

Oh Sunny. :( (((hugs))) You are a beautiful, amazing woman with a heart of gold. I am so sorry you are hurting.

Lis said...

Oh honey, I just want to take you in my arms & hold you till it is all better...
Let you cry until your pain washes away...
This face of yours is too beautiful to be so sad...
This heart of yours it too full to be broken...
Your Soul is too perfect to be pained in this way...

I wish I could make it better for you.

Amy said...

((HUGS)) I am so sorry.

Emmers said...

Lis made ME cry.

Elozia. I wish there was so much more anyone could do for you. So much more anyone could say.

Pamela said...

I'm so sorry!!

Malinda said...

I'm so sorry! **hugs**

taffi said...

"Why can't he just tell us it's okay to be hurt by his choices?"


oh sweetie, you don't need his permission to grieve.

:hugs:

Sonja said...

This has me in tears! You deserve to be happy and it's okay to grieve as if someone died because he has. Time is the best healer. I wish I could give you a hug (((((((Elozia)))))))

Brian, Nikki, and Nevie said...

(Hugs). I wish I could say or do something to make it better. I love ya!

QueenMeadow said...

((hugs)) I've been there and it sucks, bad. It will get better, take the time you need and feel no guilt for that. It's ok for your kids to know you are hurting, they don't need details but teaching them that even mommy's and daddy's get sad sometimes and how to cope and work through it is an important step too. ((hugs)) again.

Heidi said...

That was beautifully written. Words can't express how badly I feel for you. All I want to do is hold you in my arms and let you grieve and keep you safe.

Melissa said...

I am so sorry! I know how feel having the rug taken out from under you...it is sooo painful.

I will tell you it gets easier, each day, some days are better than others...but I promise it will!! (( hugs))

the_sanchez_fam said...

I'm sorry you are having to go through all this. Just know you have lots of friends out there that love you and are here for you if you need anything.

scraphappymama said...

my heart aches for you and your family. With time the wounds won't be so deep, but until then and always know that you are loved!!

Mattsmom said...

Sunny, I first found your blog right after you posted about your 11 month anniversary after that dark depressed time in your life. Since then I have loved you! I have thought about you often, and I have learned SO much from you!
Then I joined "MOF's" and found that you are even more beautiful than I had thought!

I am so sorry that you are hurting. You have EVERY right to hurt. He has hurt you to the core and now he won't admit it. That must cause even more hurt for you. I am crying with you. Please know that women all over the world love you and are praying for you and your family.