In going through this rough time right now, I have a lot of songs that run through my head.
My baby sister keeps listening to "Father of Mine" by Everclear.
"Father of mine
Tell me where have you been
You know I just closed my eyes
My whole world disappeared ....
Father of mine
Tell me where did you go
You had the world inside your hand
But you did not seem to know
Father of mine
Tell me what do you see
When you look back at your wasted life
And you dont see me"
Those words just break my heart. It shows just how deeply we are all hurting. These choices our dad say are none of our business, have destroyed the walls of safety around us. And we all hurt so badly. Every single one of us. He thinks this is something between him and my mom. But it isn't.
I get hit by "How to Save a Life". I've never been able to listen to it without struggling to hold back tears. It was mostly because my life was saved by my husband when I overdosed in the darkness of depression. A life is so precious, so so precious, and people don't realize how important and precious they are as an individual. I feel as though my dad has died - given his heart away to infidelity and lies, and has let Satan convince him that wickedness is the only path for him to be happy. "How to Save a Life" makes me wish so hard, so deep in my heart, that I could go and shake my dad out of this awfulness. That I could help him see how much his choices DO hurt others, and himself. Its so heartbreakingly ironic to me, knowing that I was so scared of disappointing my dad, that I begged my husband to not tell my parents that I was in the hospital for severe postpartum depression. These words hit me the hardest right now, reminding me of my meeting with him after he chose the divorce, my heart saddened by his apathy and annoyance with us all:
"...Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence...
...He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came..."
He thinks the divorce shouldn't hurt us. If only he could understand that its not the divorce, but the fact that he cheated on our mom. That infidelity wasn't just being unfaithful to his wife, it was being unfaithful to his family, his children, his grandchildren.
I am regularly trying to hide my hurting heart from my children, never wanting them to feel the pain that is ripping at my heart. The man that I trusted to hold my bike while I learned to ride, the man that baptized me, the man that was a witness at my wedding, the man who was there to see his newborn grandson ... That man is no more. He's gone. He chose to check out of our family. All those things, all his children were and tried to be for him, none of it was enough to keep him faithful to our family. The biggest slap was how much I looked up to him, respected him, and was so scared to disappoint him. How easy I was to be hurt.
Not that he can understand the pain, but this is the face I'm trying to hide behind a smile right now:
The puffy nose, splotchy face, quivery chin, and red eyes aren't easy to hide. Why can't he just tell us it's okay to be hurt by his choices?