Music in my head

In going through this rough time right now, I have a lot of songs that run through my head.  

Take a Bow
My Immortal
The Battle

My baby sister keeps listening to "Father of Mine" by Everclear. 

"Father of mine

Tell me where have you been

You know I just closed my eyes

My whole world disappeared ....

Father of mine

Tell me where did you go

You had the world inside your hand

But you did not seem to know

Father of mine

Tell me what do you see

When you look back at your wasted life

And you dont see me"

Those words just break my heart.  It shows just how deeply we are all hurting.  These choices our dad say are none of our business, have destroyed the walls of safety around us.  And we all hurt so badly.  Every single one of us.  He thinks this is something between him and my mom.  But it isn't.  

I get hit by "How to Save a Life".  I've never been able to listen to it without struggling to hold back tears.  It was mostly because my life was saved by my husband when I overdosed in the darkness of depression.  A life is so precious, so so precious, and people don't realize how important and precious they are as an individual.  I feel as though my dad has died - given his heart away to infidelity and lies, and has let Satan convince him that wickedness is the only path for him to be happy.  "How to Save a Life" makes me wish so hard, so deep in my heart, that I could go and shake my dad out of this awfulness.  That I could help him see how much his choices DO hurt others, and himself.   Its so heartbreakingly ironic to me, knowing that I was so scared of disappointing my dad, that I begged my husband to not tell my parents that I was in the hospital for severe postpartum depression. These words hit me the hardest right now, reminding me of my meeting with him after he chose the divorce, my heart saddened by his apathy and annoyance with us all:

"...Try to slip past his defense

Without granting innocence...

...He will do one of two things

He will admit to everything

Or he'll say he's just not the same

And you'll begin to wonder why you came..."

He thinks the divorce shouldn't hurt us.  If only he could understand that its not the divorce, but the fact that he cheated on our mom.  That infidelity wasn't just being unfaithful to his wife, it was being unfaithful to his family, his children, his grandchildren.  

I am regularly trying to hide my hurting heart from my children, never wanting them to feel the pain that is ripping at my heart.  The man that I trusted to hold my bike while I learned to ride, the man that baptized me, the man that was a witness at my wedding, the man who was there to see his newborn grandson ... That man is no more.  He's gone.  He chose to check out of our family.  All those things, all his children were and tried to be for him, none of it was enough to keep him faithful to our family.  The biggest slap was how much I looked up to him, respected him, and was so scared to disappoint him.  How easy I was to be hurt.

Not that he can understand the pain, but this is the face I'm trying to hide behind a smile right now:

The puffy nose, splotchy face, quivery chin, and red eyes aren't easy to hide.  Why can't he just tell us it's okay to be hurt by his choices?  

Where is the snow?

I love Christmas time ... hot cocoa, Christmas Carols, gift wrap, ribbon and bows atop the gifts, shopping, and being with family.

AND I love snuggling up with hot cocoa, watching the snow fall outside with the Nutcracker Suite playing in the background.  There's just one thing cramping my style.  There is NO snow.  Not a single bit.  I am missing the snow.  I didn't grow up in cold places, so I didn't really expect a white Christmas back then.  But now, having lived in a place with four seasons for 10 years, I want my white Christmas (stomp foot, stick out pouty bottom lip).  humph.

We are headed to Colorado in a couple weeks, so hopefully they are having better luck with the snow than I am having, sigh.  

LET IT SNOW ALREADY!  ;-)

FOLLOW UP:

As if to make me laugh at myself, an hour after I typed this post, it began to snow.   

Emotionally Worn Out

You know you're worn out when you wake up tired, and an hour later, you're eyes want to slip closed while you do dishes. I didn't realize that emotional exhaustion could be so physically draining. I'm emotionally exhausted for myself, and for the others who are in the emotions with me. My SIL says that our subconscious sorts through things whether we're awake or asleep, so it is no wonder I haven't slept well the past few days. Then last night, I was up half the night with one of the bunnies who seems to not be feeling great - Since they are like my babies, I sat next to her cage fussing over her every time she sneezed. I hate when anyone, or any creature isn't feeling well ... I don't like the feeling of helplessness from not being able to fix it.

On a lighter note, our Lucy pup is now 7 pounds, and can jump onto the girls' raised beds! She showed her jumping abilities two nights ago when she hopped onto the couch! That's a big feat for such a little puppy! She's almost 4 months old already, and she's lost her baby teeth - and her need to chew has seriously calmed. She's turning into a sweet snuggle bug!

Today, I think I'd like to snuggle up in one of my daughters beds, under their soft blankets, and sleep the day away. Unfortunately, moms don't get to have a day off. Kids still need picked up throughout the day, the weekly play-date has to be hosted, and the house won't clean itself!


Someone really needs to make a self-cleaning house. And self-cleaning laundry. And self-cleaning dishes.

(((Sigh!))) Well, a girl can dream!